Anger Management Isn’t About Eliminating Anger, and Here’s What I Learned

I myself, perhaps thanks to my age, don’t lose my temper so easily anymore, but I accompanied a friend who simply couldn’t control her anger to the “Anger Management Introductory Course”. I attended it. Incidentally, by my own rule I prefer the spelling “Maneeji-mento” rather than “Management,” but when it is the official spelling of a specific course or organization I follow that. So if the spelling looks inconsistent in this article, please understand it’s policy, not a mistake.

I already knew the term Anger Management, thought I had a rough grasp of the concept, and even had some prior knowledge such as the so-called “six-second rule” before taking the class. Even so, I gained some new insights and learnings that I’d like to share here.

What Is Anger Management

Anger Management is a form of psychological training, said to have been born in the United States in the 1970s, for learning how to deal skillfully with feelings of anger. The goal is not to avoid anger entirely but to be able to express it properly when it is necessary and to refrain from it when it is not. Originally it was used as a correctional program for offenders, but over time it has become widespread among the general public.

www.angermanagement.co.jp

What Is Anger Management? | A Simple Guide to Its Purpose and Effective MethodsAn easy-to-understand explanation of Anger Management basics: ways to control anger, its aims, courses, and certifications. Control your anger and become the ideal you.

Anger is a natural human emotion and not bad in itself. The problem is acting impulsively under its influence. Anger Management is about acquiring the skills to accept differences and improve relationships.

Anger Arises from a Clash of “Shoulds”

The word “should,” as in “things should be this way,” represents each person’s own common sense or rules.

For example, suppose someone (like me) believes that everyone should already be seated and ready to start at the scheduled meeting time. When someone arrives at the very start time, the mismatch in “shoulds” creates a flash of irritation.

This is a small matter, but if the degree to which a person can’t compromise on that “should” is large, it can generate intense anger.

The recent examples I gave in the class were trivial things like “the AI keeps lying” and “a dish that should have been hot at a restaurant arrived cold.” These were closer to “my mood was spoiled” than outright anger.

In reality I recognize that AI can hallucinate, yet what irritated me was its piling lie upon lie, making excuses, and repeating the same thing. Maybe I’m expecting too much from AI. As for the food, my irritation was the flip side of my expectations— the place isn’t rated that low, nor was it especially cheap— but rather than anger it just made me think, “I won’t come here again.”

The Emergence of Anger Itself Cannot Be Controlled

A common misunderstanding about Anger Management is the idea that you can control the very occurrence of anger. In fact, you cannot suppress anger from arising. I’ve heard that even the head of the Nihon Anger Management Kyokai, after many years of study and promotion of Anger Management, is the same way.

So what do we control? We control our anger so that we won’t regret it later. The fact that your “should” differs from another person’s is unavoidable, because so many people think and act differently. The scariest part of anger is the impulsive behavior it can trigger.

Breaking things or lashing out physically in anger may feel uncontrollable in the moment, but once you cool down you often regret it. The aim is to eliminate that regret.

The Basis of Anger Management Is Accepting Differences

As I noted at the start, I’m almost a novice who took only a one-hour class, so what follows is merely introductory knowledge; I may have misunderstandings or mistakes. If you want to study seriously, I recommend taking the courses— there are many beyond the introductory one.

First, as stated, it is important to understand that each person’s “should” is different. Accept the basic premise that your common sense and someone else’s may differ. Then strive for mutual understanding wherever possible. In the meeting-time example, instead of feeling a small jolt of anger each time, you can tell the other person your “should,” get them to understand it, and, if there’s no valid reason, have them adjust— moving toward a solution.

The Six-Second Rule Technique

Next is the six-second rule, which many of you may already have heard of.

Note that this doesn’t mean your anger disappears after six seconds. About six seconds is the point where the balance between the impulsive emotion and reason begins to restore itself. While the anger itself may remain, this technique helps you avoid acting on impulse and later regretting it.

In the class we were told to prepare a favorite phrase— a “magic word”— in advance and recite it silently. For example, if playing with your beloved dog gives you the most joy, you would create a phrase such as “go play with Runta” and repeat it to yourself.

Another method is to subtract from 100— for instance, repeatedly subtract 7 from 100. It should be just challenging enough; focusing your attention on the task lets the six seconds pass.

The technique that seemed most effective to me was a temporary cool-down by stepping away. When anger wells up, try leaving the scene. If someone else is involved, just looking at them or hearing their words can keep the anger from subsiding, and in an argument it may even escalate. In that case, excuse yourself—go to the restroom, get a drink—anything that puts some distance between you and the situation.

In reality there are many more techniques, but this workshop didn’t go that far. If you can find a method that suits you, you’ll be able to control your anger without later regrets better than you do now. That is “Anger Management.”

www.angermanagement.co.jp

Anger Management Courses & Seminars | Learn the Skills to Control AngerWe offer Anger Management courses and seminars around the country that teach you how to control feelings of anger. Online courses are also available. Through various classes and seminars we help reduce everyday stress and improve communication.

If you’re interested or would like to learn more, consider taking a course offered by the Nihon Anga Manejimento Kyokai.

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I also tried the Anger Management Diagnosis. Apparently, I’m a “High-Pride Black-and-White Panda.” The test said my anger intensity is low, its duration short, its frequency rare, and my tolerance medium. This matches my own sense that since leaving the company I rarely get angry.

From now on, I’ll be using Google’s Gemini Pro image-creation feature and NotebookLM’s infographic and slide-creation features to export visuals. It’s amazing that, after giving a few design instructions to match the Hossy.org site and a bit of text guidance, I can just wait and it’s done. We’re living in a wonderful era.